Summer Thinspo

The past few weeks I have been slacking something major.  I am back over 300 and I feel like such a failure.  Starting tomorrow I am going to start following Ana to the letter.  My new goal is to be 260 by my birthday in mid September.

Going to rely on a lot of thinspo.

Struggling.

I will admit, during the weekends I pig out more because there is more eyes watching me.  And it's so much harder to start back up when the week comes around.  I know I need to stop pigging out and start working off this fat!  I gained a pound.  Ugh.  When I sit, I see my huge belly and I can't help but to feel defeated, disgusted and gross.  Hell, even this morning I ate so many pancakes.  I can't keep doing this.

I'm about to start my exercise for the day since it's "too hot" for me to go outside walking.  I have asthma and its really bad when it's super  hot and cold.  So here I am confined to the house.  But that doesn't mean I'm going to sit on my keester.  30 minutes of dancing plus more cardio for toning.  Let's hope the iced coffee I had this morning will help give me more of a jolt to get through the day. 


Yes, I had an iced coffee: 95 calories
3/4 cup cold brewed coffee concentrate
1/3 cup 2% milk (That's all I had, I would have used skim)
2 tsp sugar (again, all I had.  My stevia mysteriously disappeared)
2 tsp vanilla extract












It was delicious but the caloric intake is driving me nuts!  Gonna have to do extra lunges and squats to burn it off.


Stay Skinny, Loves
P

Hitting a dead end

Food is everywhere!  And people are picking up on the fact that I'm not eating.  I refuse to give in to my temptations, but there are people in my life that point out that I'm not eating.  I hate being confronted in front of people, and I hate being told that I must eat.  I don't have to do anything I don't want to. 

Not to mention, at the same function, someone told me that I look pregnant.  Damn, way to take the air out of my sails.  I thought I was looking better!  I was seeing a difference!  Now all I want to do is binge and say fuck this.  But ultimately I am going to just push my body harder.

Stay Skinny, Loves. 


PS:  I'm now 297.  I can start to see my collarbone and cheek bones.  There is progress, even if I still look like a fat blob to everyone else.

Weigh in Wednesday

I am such a failure.  I have been binging like no other.  And it's time to stop. 

This morning weigh in 306.2


Ugh I will never eat again.

Binging

After dinner, I needed a snack.  Something.  I caved and had a peanut butter and jelly.  I felt so guilty but it was so good.


Until I threw it up.  


I couldn't stand having it stay in my stomach.  And now, I'm sitting here wishing I had another.  I feel so disgusting...but I can't help it!  Apparently I'm not as strong as I thought I was going into this.


I need better control.   So ladies and gents....how do you do it?  How do you fight the urges. 

Gotta stop meeting like this, kid

Seriously, it's one step forward, a billion backwards.  Tonight at dinner the husband FORCED me to eat.  Now I'm feeling so full that I'm going to burst at the seems.  FUCK.  This is NOT how I'm going to lose weight. 

I just wish he would understand that I need to do this.  I can't keep eating like this all the damn time.


On a good note though, I exercised hardcore today.  According to MFP I burned almost 700cal.  So I'm hoping that dinner didn't completely undo my progress.

DAMNIT

I told myself last night that I was going to fast all day today. 

Well: I can say that I failed in my mission.  Only a few hours after being awake, I caved.  And that's on top of stepping on the scale and realizing that I gained a pound.


WHY can't I do this?  I need to have my mouth wired shut so I can really lose some weight.  This whole thing is absolutely bogus.  I'm going to wait until the husband goes to sleep so I can turn on some music and dance some of the raisins that I consumed off.  Here's to hoping I burned off more than I consumed today.

The first cut is the deepest

I have spent the better part of the past few days looking at "thinspo/ pro ana/ pro mia" blogs.  And I gotta admit:  none of them fit my needs.  Most of them are teenage girls who are looking up to these stick thin models who have less than 7% body fat.  They post pictures of these women who are so skinny you can count every bone in their body.


I have never had the need to look at my thighs and say "my leg bone is way too fat".   And I severely hope I never get to that point either.



But here's the start of my journey.  It's going to be rocky and I know that I will probably protest most of the way.  However, I need to start somewhere.  And I'm taking the first steps in the direction I want to go:  to be thin. 

My starting weight is 306. (ugh, what a disgusting number.  Only 4 pounds less of what I weighed when I gave birth nearly 3 years ago)
Highest weight: 326 ( I will never, EVER be that big again.  Ever)
Short Term Goal weight: 280 by July 20th 2013
Long Term Goal weight: 190


You may ask how I'm going to achieve my goals:  easy.  I'm not going to eat.  Anorexia?  Not necessiarily.  I am planning on staying below 700cals per day.  But I am going tomorrow with an all day fast.  I'll tell my husband that I'm not feeling well.  That'll get him off my back so I can concentrate on trying to drop those last 6 LBS before we go on our little camping adventure. 

I need to do this.  I cannot stand to look in the mirror.  The rolls, dimples, stretch marks---they are disgusting.  They do not belong on my body.  I want to be able to see my feet again!